Three Days, Two Shows, One Barbecue, 100 Wedding Invites, 13 Shots Of Whiskey, And No Sleep

Take Me To The Other Side

Can somebody please explain to me why kids stopped dancing at all ages shows? Does it have something to do with the invention of the iphone? Seriously. If I wanted to be around a bunch of socially uptight stiffs, I would have stayed on the other side with the drinks and the grownups. I left my people and MY whiskey behind because I was counting on you kids to dance. That’s the only reason us grown ups have things like all ages shows. We let you in because your enthusiasm is contagious. When did you lose your contagious enthusiasm? Why are you all standing there — creeping me out with your back acne and complicated cell phone devices?  Do you know how annoying that is? Do you know how much it sucks to be in a band and gaze at an audience of camera phones? Is this the future? I know your stupid phones are your eyes but do they have to be your brains as well? Not meaning to sound like the bitter geriatric elephant in the room BUT back in my day, kids danced. We danced and made eyes with each other and got dirty. Do kids even make eyes with each other anymore? Do you just text your eyes to the person across the room? I’m a little confused. Oh, and while I’m at it — don’t think for one second that you’re going to push your way in front of me  so you can take ANOTHER picture. Not going to happen. I’m a professional and I know every move to obstruct you. You see this? I’m a head banging Mick Jagger who just got their “Crunk Dancing For Beginners” DVD in the mail. I’ve been waiting all week to practice my sick moves. Unless your chubby arm is challenging me to a dance off, get it away from my fucking head. You already have enough pictures for your Facebook page. We get it. You went to a show… AND DIDN’T DANCE! And another thing, why are all of you so desperately out of shape? I’m an older person wearing heals. You guys are nubile, wearing flip flops, and acting put out by the effort involved in standing. You know, you wouldn’t have to shift your weight on each leg so much if your legs were in a perpetual state of movement called “DANCE.”

Man, you’re all a bunch of pillows. PILLOWS!

To all those teenagers that still make shows fun, I salute you.  As for the rest of you…

My Inner 13 Year Old

I don’t care that you look like ridiculously underfed mall rats at an Edward Gorey convention or that your hair is porn for  emo kids.

Don't you just want to punch them in their mouth parts?

I also don’t care that “Strange House” sounded like Screaming Lord Sutch trapped in a tin can. Honestly, I kind of like that.

I get that you’re not reinventing the wheel and that the bands you mimic did it better 25 years ago. Umm, got that memo the other day. Totally saw those bands and have the unflattering t-shirts to prove it. Whatever. I also get that the NME’s obsession with you is kind of annoying but that’s not really your fault, is it?  I know there are a million reasons why I should quit you but I can’t. Truth is, I can’t stop playing your new record.  Seriously. “Primary Colours” sounds like The Psychedelic Furs and Clan of Xymox beating the shit out of My Bloody Valentine.  Last time I checked, that was my favorite sound EVER.  By the way, when did you start listening to my Jesus And Mary Chain records? Were you even alive when “Darklands” came out?

All I’m trying to say is, well played. I didn’t know how hungry I was for “Winklepicker shoegazer rock” until this week.

I can’t wait to stare at my shoes during your show on Sunday. I hear The Kills will be there, too.

“I want to go to that.”

Etsy, Etsy, Etsy, ETSY, Etsy! Why must you torture me? You know I’ll never have a comma in my bank account.

How am I ever going to have a good night’s sleep again KNOWING that this is not my bedroom…

… and that is not my bed.

Available from Attila Designs.

I think I’m in love.  Love costs $9,600.