Hey, Portland! Somebody Lied To You Part 1
April 6, 2009
It’s April and the sun is finally out. FINALLY. When I was walking back from my radio show, it looked like 8 new bars had just sprouted from the ground. I can only presume perpetual rain makes bars bloom more in the springtime. Spring also makes people wear dumb shit and do dumb things … which brings me to my latest column, “Hey, Portland! Somebody Lied To You!”
Oh. Meh. Gawd.
1. Portland, Portland, Portland. It’s Monday and not even noon yet. Why are you so wasted? Are bars open at 7am now? Why are you peeing in the street? What are you drinking? You smell terrible. Are you hiring?
2. For the love of God, can you Burning Man clown people leave the park already? It’s not fair that my dog can get a $200 ticket for frolicking in the grass but you idiots get to roam around off leash in your stupid stilts. Can we get a no clown zone in this city? I can’t look at your stupid bikes anymore. Seriously. Do I have to become mayor and kick you all out? I’ll do it. I’ll totally do it. Go back to clown island or Black Rock Desert or whatever circle of hell you fire juggled in.
3. Gentlemen, I know your feet must be terribly hot but sandals are vagina repellent. Trust me on this.
While I’m at it, please stop with the manpris or hepris or whatever the kids are calling ugly these days.
When in doubt, wear pants. It's not summer yet.
4. Ladies, well played. Your sundresses are adorable, your shoes make sense and I can’t see your tramp stamps. Don’t blow it.
5. Everyone else, I can’t believe you got that tattoo. I already miss jacket season.
You’re welcome!
Entry Filed under: fashion, my life. Tags: bad tattoos, clowns, drunks, fashion, mandals, manpris, portland, spring fever.
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1.
susieprue | April 7, 2009 at 3:49 pm
i forgot some o’ that stuff about portland: the reek of booze and BO in the park blocks, the shirtless men riding the max in 60 degree weather, the gutterpunks in “portland’s living room” doing really really bad living statue routines. gawd, do i ever NOT miss them. warm weather in pdx… you know you’ve hit rock bottom when elvis starts running around town in his 80s jogging shorts with his lil smoky peeking out the leg. i think i’m having flashbacks!
2.
aneta666 | April 7, 2009 at 7:52 pm
why is burning man still happening? is lollapalooza still going on? woodstock?
i got three tickets in the last week. including one which requires me to go to court today.
3.
Jessica | April 9, 2009 at 11:25 am
You would like my husband. We spent 2 weeks in Hawaii and he wore long pants, with shoes and socks. Every. Day. He refuses sandals and own one lonely pair of shorts that are used for basketball playing exclusively.
Also, I am bringing those tattoo pics to my local parlor immediately. Do you think they can combine them onto a single sleeve?